Thursday, February 17, 2011


ok. so i am done with packing but, of course, i cannot sleep. i now leave in 9 hours and im feeling very restless. so there is something that has been bothering me. this might not make any sense and i might not even end up posting this, but i feel like i need to say something. ok. here it goes.

so i sell clothes. before that i worked as a lifeguard and i taught swim lessons even before that. super rewarding jobs. in both of my previous jobs i had the important job of keeping people safe. it was a little intense. for many different reasons, i left my job doing swim stuff and started working retail. to put it lightly, i have struggled immensely with the past 5 months in this job. not because the work was difficult or the people were mean, just because i felt selfish and sneaky trying to sell people clothes when they clearly dont. all the interaction is very artificial and not personal. i was very unhappy with my current situation and i wondered why i was there. i had prayed for this job, i felt this was where i was called, i accepted it, yet i did not feel like i was being a productive in impacting others. then this happened.

i woke up and realized how broken people are.

last night work was very slow. there were only a few people milling about the store which gave me time to talk to them and figure out what they were looking for. in one hour i met three women who came in looking for some awesome business casual clothes and ended up telling me a lot more than i expected.

woman 1: newly divorced. undergoing tremendous financial loss. filing bankruptcy. sad eyes.
woman 2: missing a child who is around my age. tired eyes.
woman 3: army wife moving from nashville to alaska. has an adorable baby named ava. scared eyes.

it broke my heart. 3 different women. all within the same hour. these poor women. such tough stuff. then it dawned on me. this was my opportunity to love these people. i listened to them. i folded their clothes. i just tried to love them. there was not much i could do, but somehow they impacted me. i dont have some miraculous solution but i think i was blind to what i was called to do. and suddenly folding clothes or hanging pants doesn't have the same nasty appeal.

as i am writing this, one of my favorite gungor songs is playing. these are the lyrics:

Jesus, You're the one who saves us
Constantly creates us into something new
Jesus, surely you will finds us
Surely our Messiah will make all things new

ahh. i love that. i feel it. God is creating me into something new. He makes us all new. that just blows my mind.the God who made trees and mountains and the yellow-y orange color of the sunset chose me over all the beauty of this world.  what a strange, perfect plan.

so i dont know how to sum this up. this was really for my own thoughts to be sorted out on. im not even sure what i am saying. but my battery is dying and my cord is in my suitcase. i think what i am trying to put into words is the need to look deeper into the situations we are in. i feel that God is slowly revealing his plan to me and it is funny how things are not the way i planned, yet they are perfect.

2 Corinthians 12:10

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